I sit here on a chilly Florida day (56 degrees), facing a long day of rain (Florida snow), feeling the tingle of true Christmas spirit for the first time in three years as I look out on what is finally starting to feel like home. But when it's Christmastime, my heart and thoughts are focused westward on my family.
I spoke with Nece the other day and haven't been able to get the blog off my mind...mostly because I'm filled with shame at how long it's been since I contributed. So I hop on and am immediately moved to tears by the food assignment for the holiday already gone. What on earth is wrong with me?!? I would say I cried for the food missed, but I'd be lying (Jake outdid himself with a phenomenal meal; his foodie planets were perfectly aligned, no lie! The mouth waters just remembering). I know I tear up for my family.
Stan is recovering nicely from another meniscectomy (same knee but 10 years later...guess nine marathons is the limit...?), which he had the DAY BEFORE THANKSGIVING. *sigh* But already doing better, so that's all that matters. He's busy at school. He recently started a running club for the girls after school to develop a team. Josie, of course, loves it. Lately I think he's about had it with the middle-schoolers and wants to move to high school. However, Josie would kill him if he left before she was finished, though. We'll see...they're like the two musketeers, that daddy/daughter duo!
Cody is STILL in high school...and everything that goes along with THAT. He must rise early-early every morning (he catches the bus at 6:15 a.m.) and has been pretty good about getting himself out the door. On the mornings I run, I hate not seeing him off....though I hated it more the one morning I returned home to find him back to sleep on his bedroom floor, in his underwear, having missed the bus. That was one of those mornings he definitely was NOT pretty good about getting himself out the door. On his birthday, he'll be 15 so he can do the learner's permit thing here in FL...that is if we let him. ACK! I need guidance from siblings who have been through this. I'm terrified; Tampa, FL, is the most lethal city in the nation for teenage drivers.
Josie is playing soccer and running and just being a pre-teen...or pre-tween or whatever the heck they call them anymore. She ran the 5k Turkey Trot with us (no training) and beat me by almost 3 1/2 minutes...beat her brother too! She amazes me. I truly don't know what more to say about it. I find myself increasingly...increasingly...what is the right word? Sad? Fearful? Daunted? No, none of those...or ALL of those, I don't know. Maybe disturbed? Yeah, that will work. I find myself increasingly disturbed at watching my baby grow up. The last year has been this teeter-totter of "Oh crap, she's maturing," then "Whew, wait, she isn't"..."Oh crap"..."Whew"..."Oh crap"..."Whew." Now I fear there is nothing left but the "Oh crap" and I'm bugging.
(And now I'm going to weep and moan and gnash my teeth about aging, so you youngsters who may be reading should just go ahead and skip to the end, because you won't understand...I just have to get if off my chest, a catharsis really...)
I don't know if it's being away and watching nieces/nephews grow in seeming leaps and bounds, like some clay-mation character on steroids, but I find myself so taken aback. Because I feel the same as I've always felt inside, you know? And then I catch a glance of myself in the mirror (or out of some perverse masochistic impulse, choose to look closely on purpose) and the jig is up, as they say. WHAT IS HAPPENING? *sigh* And I find myself trying to reconcile what I see in the mirror with what I feel inside. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know all the platitudes by heart (and they're all true, by the way; yes, I AM only as young as I feel...uh, I guess). I'm sorry, this really isn't a serious middle-life crisis...it's just my first (haha...if I weren't laughing, I would be crying = Platitude #2). I guess I'm just trying to adjust? No, shift? No, reconcile? (And yes, I know I already used that word but I'm beginning to think that's what aging is about...reconciling what's on the balance sheet with what's in the bank, so to speak...heh...) That's it, how to reconcile the beautiful, amazing, meaningful things I have gained with age to match/fit/equal who I know/wish/hope I am. Wow, that whole rant sounded much better in my head. Well, I did get it off my chest. I'll let you know later about the catharsis part.
ANYWAY...things are going well with me...seriously, I swear it's true, despite what you just read. Bethany and I have been keeping busy with work. The feast-or-famine nature has been mostly feast...sometimes small feast but feast nonetheless. I get extreme satisfaction from watching my family grow...except Josie...but she's so darn fun to watch playing soccer, I'll get over it. I've been working diligently at toning down my crazy-soccer-mom-cheering-at-every-move-on-the-field technique. (The first step was putting the brakes on "Get it, get it, get it!" and "Fast, fast, fast!" and "Beat her, beat her, beat her!" and the like, hollering at maximum lung-projection capacity...it will be missed...but only by me, I suppose...) I've had a wonderful opportunity to chat with Cody every day since he started high school (it's like roles are reversed: now I hardly see Josie and Stan hardly sees Cody). And even when he's talking gaming (which is mostly), it's nice to connect. I've even achieved spontaneous declarations of affection and a few shoulder squeezes. Not too shabby...I'll take it.
Bethany and Jake are phenomenal but I will let her speak for him/them...as all good wives do. Just wanted my family to know how I miss you and how much I love you all. I am SO grateful for my roots. And though I'm lousy at keeping in touch (and endlessly stuck on that road to h**l paved with proverbial good intentions), please know you are always in my heart. I could get off that road, you know; I could change...anything is possible if you just believe, right? (Oh my, that sounds like a Disney platitude, doesn't it?) But I do promise to try....
(Oh, brrr, it just dropped to 55 degrees...I have to go put some socks on!)
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